The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja
by KawaiiKat
Summary: Vivi and Kuja go on one of the most insane journeys of all time! Will they survive planet Teirran and get Naeri's treasures? Major OOC, especially on Vivi's part. My first fic. Yay! ^-^;; PG for minor language.
1. 1... Meeting the Hyper One

It was a sunny, sunny day in Prozac City, where happy people cheered with glee at the new day, a new day of life in the land of miracles and happiness. Oh, there was not a cloud in the sky, and the little blue jays and robins merrily sang their merry little songs throughout the city of peace and happiness…

Person One: Oh joyous joys… (Swallows a bottle of Prozac) …Life is good! Life is happiness. Oh, how happy I am! 

Person Two: Yes, today is the best day of my life!

Person One: Really? It's mine, too! (Smiles)

Person Three: Let us sing a song of happiness with the blue jays and robins, for our feathered friends are but the essence of happiness! 

Robin: We are the happy, happy, happy people of the sunny, sunny- (Gets nailed with a staff) SQUAWK!

Oh where, oh where could _that_ have come from?

Vivi: I GOT ONE! WOO-HOO! 

Person Two, Three: (Sweatdrop) …

Ah, our innocent friend Vivi the Black Mage is here! He's by far the happiest one of them all, but he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, or the brightest star in the sky, in fact, our dear Vivi is in fact, a _dense_, innocent child. But since he is _so_ kawaii, he doesn't need to be too smart! 

Vivi: OHAYO! ^-^ (Kawaii music intro plays) I'M VIVI THE BLACK MAGE! HOW YA DOING? 

Person One: Fine! 

Person Two and Three are smart enough to run off, but since Person One had a dose of Prozac, he'll stay with our dear friend Vivi.

Vivi: YA KNOW… I'M REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY LOST RIGHT NOW! CAN _YOU_ HELP ME?

Person One: (Bright smile) why, you're in the heart of happiness and joy! I'm Bob! It's nice to see you in Prozac City! 

Vivi: KEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) I want to buy some Prozac! 

Bob: No need! (Smiles) We practically give the stuff away!

Vivi: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! (Jumps up and down) FIFTY BOTTLES PLEASE!

Bob: Right! (Hands over 100) 

Vivi: YAY! (Hides them in his coat pocket) THANKEE-SAI! 

However, there is one person who's not as happy as anyone of Prozac City! Oh no, what shall the people do?

Kuja: What the hell is this?

Person Four: Welcome to Prozac City! (Smiles) 

Kuja: How pathetic… -_O… Okay. Would you happen to know where I could find a map for Naeri?

Person Four: (Gets hit with the staff) AGHHHHHHHHH!

Poor Person Four, we knew him well…

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOO! ^-^ (Kawaii music intro plays) OHAYO! I'M VIVI THE BLACK MAGE! HOW YA DOING?

Kuja: O_O;  …Fine… Do _you_ know where I can find a-

Vivi: (Rummaging through his pocket) I HAVE PROZAC! 

Out of the pocket came a few bricks, a drum, a string collection, a map to Naeri and…

Kuja: The map! Listen, Vivi, I need this map. Will you give it to me so I can be on my way?

Vivi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't… find Prozac… 

Yet another day in Tracan City… The people of this city are mere shells of human beings, the will of survival being the only thing instilled in their souls. To survive, what was the purpose, when they're all to die and be forgotten? What was the purpose to wake up to the next day, if they could die any moment, any second now? These forsaken people have no purpose or will to live, but still they lead their routine lives, not in hopes for a miracle, no, for hope is forbidden here. It's too late for miracles now, only the brutal reality that pushes their souls and minds to the limit, driving them to the edge… For it's only a matter to time before the winds of time push them over. There is no happiness here, all such worthless emotions and feelings are forbidden in Tracan City.

Vivi: OH! IT WAS IN MY OTHER POCKET! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Oh, how happy we all are in Prozac City! Peace and Joy and Happiness supreme! To savor every second of life and we'll be forever together! YAY!

Kuja: EXCUSE ME! 

Vivi: …Yeah?

Kuja: Can I have this map to Naeri? 

Vivi: …No. Not unless I come with you. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: -_-; …Fine…

Vivi: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! (Jumps) THANKEE-SAI! 

Kuja: … What have I gotten myself into…? 

And so, this was the (very sudden) beginning of an epic journey, a great saga, a moment in history which all will remember…!

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Vivi: (Bursts into applause) …That… was so beautiful! 

Kuja: Huh? What're you talking about?

The two heroes have set off on the journey to find the destination of Naeri, a place of great treasure. On the map, it told of specific landmarks that led to it. They currently trekked towards their first landmark, a rather gloomy forest. Unknown to our heroes, though, is that the forest was no ordinary forest. No, this was a forest of death and misery… For no traveler who made it into this forest ever made it out alive… 

Kuja stared at the sign held up by two skeletons.

**WELCOME TO DEATH FOREST!**

Please do not set foot in this forest 

Unless you are prepared to be trapped here

For all eternities to come!

Please visit the Master of the Forest to 

Donate your soul today!

Vivi: Ooh… o_O …message of inevitable doom… (Swallows some Prozac)

Kuja: Well, I guess we have to go through the forest if we plan to get to Naeri and the treasures. 

Vivi: I love shiny things! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: -_-; 

However, as soon as they walk in…

POOF!  
  


Kuja: O_O;

Dracozombie: RARRRRRRRRRGH!

Vivi: …eep… o_O

Kuja: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dracozombie: COME WITH ME NEW TRAVELERS.

Vivi: Um… Why?

Dracozombie: COME WITH ME NEW TRAVELERS.

Vivi: Um… Why?

Dracozombie: COME WITH ME NEW TRAVELERS.

Vivi: COME WITH ME NEW TRAVELERS.

Dracozombie: Um… Why?

Vivi: ^-^; (Kawaii music plays)

Dracozombie: ^-^; (Evil music plays) DAMN!

Vivi: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! (Jumps) 

Kuja: -_O;; 

The Dracozombie promptly fell over with a cry of death, and faded to the Mists…

Kuja: …Hey… What's with all this… …mist?

The Genome quickly went into spasms and fell.

Vivi: …o_O… eep…

Vivi knelt and poked Kuja, confused as to why he had fallen asleep at a time like this. After a while, the little black mage began to ponder some more, and finally decided how thinking was probably going to get him nowhere. 

Nowhere brought the sad, sad memory of his uncle Harold, who was lost to a Kansas sandstorm while trying to find the middle of nowhere. Since Harold was so smart, he decided he was going to search the center state, Kansas, but did not get past the storm. 

Storms led to his brother George, because George was a sailor, and had the mouth of one too. He had sailed the seven seas, although Vivi wasn't sure if Gaia had seven seas, or if this was even Gaia, which it wasn't, and how he had known that Kansas existed, which he didn't really know at all. This feeling of non-existence brought him to think of himself, and why did he ponder so much in FF9, and why did he make a shameless video game reference? Shamelessness brought him to think of the dark corners of the human mind, who made him think of his father Bob. Bob, a psychologist for lemmings, never really studied psychology. He was a psycho, and ran with the lemmings one day only to jump off a cliff with them all. 

The feeling of death led him to wonder where one went after death. Did one get to a land that housed their wildest dreams, or maybe a land where they would take toll for their misdeeds? Would one be reincarnated, or would they go nowhere?

And so Vivi started thinking about Nowhere again, until he finally figured out that he was created, and he had no family to begin with. The horrible revelation that he had no uncle Harold, brother George or father named Bob caused Vivi to weep bitterly, and soon he figured out that he really didn't care. All this carelessness led to yet _another_ string of thoughts that made Vivi ponder the possible existence of any family, and so it ultimately led to forty-two, which is the meaning of life, and one very, very large headache.

Vivi: Hey, where'd Kuja go? ^-^; (Kawaii music plays)

A Serpion slowly rose from the Mist, hissing at the mage.  

 Serpion: Your friend is gone, small mage. He-

Vivi: THAT'S NOT MY NAME! ^-^ (Kawaii music intro plays) OHAYO! I'M VIVI THE BLACK MAGE!

Serpion: -_-… Very well, Vivi…

Vivi: That's Mr. Orunitia to _you_. Nyah. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Serpion: _Listen_. Your friend Kuja is gone, and you shall soon be too. But tell me, why did you not fall prey to the Mist?

Vivi: 'Cause I'm made of Mist myself! Where's Kuja?

Serpion: -_O… Gone.

Vivi: You'll have to be more specific. I can't process that. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Serpion: It does not matter, Vivi. You shall soon join him.

Vivi: I don't want to _join_ him; I just wanna know where he _is_.

Serpion: (Irritated) You have no choice. Your fate is in the hands of the Master of Forest. 

Vivi: (Whining) I don't _wanna_ know about my fate's controller! I want to know where's Kuja? 

Serpion: Succumb to me, mortal!

As this word, mortal, was said, Vivi underwent a frightening change. The childish, innocent soul the body once housed was tossed far into Vivi's mind, and in its place a ruthless killer. To accompany this change, the black mage's eyes narrowed and flared crimson. Two glowing blades extended from either side of the staff, and silver wings emerged from his back.

Vivi: (Badass voice) Your choice of words was not very wise, Serpion.

Serpion: You leave me no choice but to battle, Vivi.

Vivi: (same) Nay, that is the name of the disturbed child I once was. You shall know your murderer's name as Kurone, no more or less than so. Now, lead me to Kuja or die. 

Serpion: You shall lose against- (Promptly explodes)

Kurone: Easy enough. Now to find that Kuja...

Vivi: (In mind) I NEED MY PROZACCCCCCCCCCCCC!

Kurone: Quiet you. My time has come!

Vivi: (IM) Time? WOO-HOO! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!

Kurone: (Gasping for breath) Stop it, stay quiet, I… can't… hold… on…

Losing his will, Kurone quickly grabbed the Prozac, as Vivi ordered him to, and swallowed the whole bottle. The changes in Vivi were reversed, and he was restored.

Vivi: (original voice) A-ONE! A-TWO! A-ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR! (Hazy Shade of Winter begins to play) Time, time, time! See what's become of me…!

Meanwhile, Kuja, still unconscious, hung on a vine. This mutant vine was slowly headed towards a strong beam of light that revealed a hideous looking Venus flytrap… 

Venus flytrap: Another lost soul… Soon, I shall be resurrected to my former glory!

…Back to Vivi…

Vivi: (Finishing up) Ba-dum-ba! Woo…^-^ (Kawaii music plays) This is so fun! 

He nails another Serpion. 

Vivi: Hello… What's this?

A rickety canoe lay floating in a river of greenish brown water, a skeleton holding another sign.

THIS WATER MAY FEED THE LIFE OF THE FOREST

BUT KILLS ANY WHO DARE TO DRINK IT

KILLS ANY TO DARE TO SWIM IT

KILLS ANY WHO DARE TO TOUCH IT

BEWARE OF ITS TOUCH

FOR MANY DEATHS HAVE COME FROM THE CARELESS

USE THIS TO TRAVEL THE RIVER OF LIFE AND DEATH

BEWARE THE MASTER THAT THRIVES HERE…

Vivi: Yeah, I'm confused right about now! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

However, Vivi boarded the canoe and released it, paddling through the water. 

Vivi: Hmm… 

The mage pulled out a book that was decorated in glowing runes. He flipped through the worn pages until he found a page full of complicated looking runes

Vivi: Lessee… Canoe…blah blah blah… Poison water… Giant serpent sub-boss, and Master of the Forest… Here I go! ^-^  (Kawaii music plays)

Giant Serpent: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRORG! 

Vivi: O_O! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Vivi suddenly went into panic, waving his staff around madly. The staff hit a branch that threw a pointy twig at the Serpent.

Giant Serpent: RORRRRGGGGGGG! (Poke) KSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!

Vivi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Giant Serpent: KSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!

Vivi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Giant Serpent: KSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…ssssssssssssssssssh…

Vivi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Huh?

The inflatable Serpent was deflated and defeated at last! All by the skills of Vivi!

Vivi: o_O… (Continues to row) …That was a waste of time… DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Another skeleton holding a sign appeared. 

MASTER OF THE FOREST

LAIR UP AHEAD

Will Vivi save Kuja? Will the Master of the Forest be resurrected? Will we ever find out how in the _world _did Vivi get a strategy guide to a fanfic? And what about Kurone?!

Kurone: (In mind) Blasted mage child… 

Kuja: X_X

Master of the Forest: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Vivi: PROZACCCCCCCCCCCCCC! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

What have I done…? Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted. See ya! ^-^


	2. 2... How'd We End Up HERE, Dammit?!

A/N: Thanks for reviewing! Special thanks to Cerena Montanyu… (I've never been threatened with Green Spanish Insanity Jello before ^-^) and Topaz Dahlia (I've also never been put on a fave list… Thankee-sai! ^-^) 

Disclaimer: I forgot it last time; I know… -_-; (Don't worry, I put the first one in the reviews.) But it's here this time. I don't own FF9, 'cause I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it if I did. Damn you, Squaresoft! (Muttering) Why'd you have to think of it _first_? 

Anyway, on with the fic! ^-^

We last left our heroes in the clutches of Death Forest, (a rather sad revision for Evil Forest) where a resting evil waited, a schizophrenic black mage child traveled, and a genome's fate hung in the balance! 

Flashback 

Kuja: …Hey… What's with all this… …mist?

The Genome quickly went into spasms and fell.

Vivi: …o_O… eep…

Vivi: Hey, where'd Kuja go? ^-^; (Kawaii music plays)

A Serpion slowly rose from the Mist, hissing at the mage.  

Serpion: _Listen_. Your friend Kuja is gone, and you shall soon be too. 

Serpion: You leave me no choice but to battle, Vivi.

Kurone: Nay, that is the name of the disturbed child I once was. You shall know your murderer's name as Kurone, no more or less than so. Now, lead me to Kuja or die. 

Meanwhile, Kuja, still unconscious, hung on a vine. This mutant vine was slowly headed towards a strong beam of light that revealed a hideous looking Venus flytrap…

Venus flytrap: Another lost soul… Soon, I shall be resurrected to my former glory!

Vivi: Lessee… Canoe…blah blah blah… Poison water… Giant serpent sub-boss, and Master of the Forest… Here I go! ^-^  (Kawaii music plays)

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Kuja: …Ugh… Where am I…?

Venus flytrap: I shall consume your soul! You will be the key to my resurrection, and inevitable takeover of the world!

Kuja: Ah shit… THIS IS _NOT _WHAT I NEED TO WAKE UP TOOOOOOOO!!!! O_O!!!

Vivi: Ba-dum… Ba-dum… (Sees Kuja) Ba…dum… HEY! IT'S KUJA! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Both Kuja and the Venus flytrap whirl towards Vivi.

Both: O_O!!! The hell? 

Venus flytrap: (Recovering) Traveler of the rivers… H-how did you get past the Guardian?

Vivi: Oh… YOU MEAN THE GIANT SNAKE? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) I POKED HIM WITH A POINTY TWIG!

Venus flytrap: DAMN! Stupid inflatable…

Kuja: You used an inflatable serpent to guard a river leading _straight_ to your lair? -_O

Venus flytrap: -_-; Yeah… That obviously didn't scare away that disturbed child…

Vivi: THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!! OHAYO! ^-^ (Kawaii music intro plays) I'M VIVI THE BLACK MAGE! But _you_ gotta call me Mr. Orunitia, 'cause you're the freakishly ugly plant thingy who shall inevitably perish by means of a roasting inferno during a really cool FMV! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: (Skeptically) Roasting inferno?

Venus flytrap: (Gaping) Roasting inferno?! O-O

Vivi: (Singing) ROASTING INFERNO!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: …Master of the Forest, what level are you? 

Venus flytrap: …Eh? Oh, uh… Seventy-two.

Kuja: (Glare) Vivi… You're only Level One. There's no possible way you have the power to cast such powerful magic. 

Vivi: (Sweatdrop) I know! ^-^; (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: Thinking of some sort of plan that will be considered completely impossible and irrational until you act it out and make it seem brilliant?   

Vivi: Nope, I'm just stalling for time! Maybe that way, the icky plant will get you, and I can escape! 

Kuja: O_O DAMN YOU!!!!!!!! 

Venus flytrap: …Are you quite done? 

Vivi: THERE'S ONE MORE THING I MUST SAY! 

Kuja: Damned traitor…

Venus flytrap: (To Vivi) What? What is it?

Vivi: FIRE IN THE HULL! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja and Venus flytrap: o_o… Wha?

{FMV}

A flaming airship immediately plummeted into the forest, taking out the Venus flytrap and Kuja in the process.

{End FMV}

Vivi: (Confident) Roasting inferno! THANKEE-SAI GIANT FLAMING AIRSHIP!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: X_X…

Venus Flytrap: …Ack…

Vivi: I NEED SOMETHING TO DOOOOOOOO! O_O!!! (Passes out)

Kurone: (IM) …Sigh… There's got to be a better way to live…

As our heroes lay unconscious on the forest floor, a death cry came from the distance. The light that allowed the Master of the Forest to live was now cut, turning the majestic Venus flytrap into stone. Luckily, he dropped poor Kuja before he got petrified… ^-^

Kuja: ITAI! X_X

Vivi: X_X

Venus Flytrap: X_X

Voice: This isn't natural! It's like the whole forest is coming after us!

Zidane, Steiner (carrying Garnet), and Blank ran into the scene.

Zidane: It looks like we're safe here.

Steiner: I hope so; we need to find Master Vivi!

Blank: (To Zidane) Is _that_ the mage kid you were talking about? (Points to Vivi)

Vivi: (Waking _really_ fast) THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!!! 

Zidane, Garnet (now awake ^-^), Steiner, and Blank: O_O!!!!!

Vivi: OHAYO! (Kawaii music intro plays) I'M VIVI THE BLACK MAGE! KUJAAAAAA! WAKE UP!

Kuja: ARGH! At least let me die in _peace_, you blasted mage! Have you no mercy?! 

Vivi: …

Kuja: Well?

Vivi: …No. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Kuja: DAMN YOUUUUUUU!!!!!! (Sighs) -_-; Why do I even bother…?

Zidane: Vivi, are you okay? I mean, you were sent flying sometime after Queen Brahne attacked the airship…

Somewhere, far, far in the distance…

Brahne: Oh dear…. I just killed off half the population… ^-^  

Zorn: (Prancing by) We are screwed! ^-^

Thorn: ^-^ Screwed are we! (Prancing by) 

Beatrix: -_-;

Baku: (Sobbing) DAMMIT!!! I just remembered… I DON'T _HAVE_ AIRSHIP INSURANCE!!!

Garnet: (Twitch) … My mother's gone insane… 

Blank: (Twitch) … I'm gonna be hung for sure… 

Vivi: So THAT'S how I ended up in Prozac City! Did I just hear something? @_@

Kurone: (IM) Just take your Prozac…

Kuja: (To Steiner and Zidane) What were you running from?

Steiner: After destroying the evil monster that took Garnet, we fled for safety. This whole blasted forest is coming after us!

Kuja: The whole… forest? O_O 

Blank: …Yes.

Kuja: (Sweatdrop) Vivi…?

Vivi: (Swallowing Prozac) Yeah?

Kuja: We need to haul ass.

Vivi: Alrighty! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

{FMV}

Everybody was running for their lives as the thick forest behind them rapidly turned into stone. Zidane, however, was lagging behind, and Vivi was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, a Plant Spider lunged for Zidane. Instead of Blank sacrificing himself, Vivi promptly nailed the spider with a staff, riding by on a Fang. All sweatdropped as Vivi rode the Fang ahead of them and out of the forest.

{End FMV}

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I GOT A FREE CHOCOBO!!!! I'M NAMING IT AFTER MY FRIEND BOB!

Zidane: Vivi, you're naming a Fang… Bob?

Vivi: OF COURSE NOT! (Proudly) It's a Chocobo, and its name is the S.S. Prozac! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Fang: KWEH!

All: …O_O…

Kuja: Sigh... Why do I get the odd feeling that Blank wasn't supposed to make it out of the forest?

Blank: He-he…^-^; 

Steiner: (Tending to Garnet) So, who _did _get stuck?

Moguo: Who do you _think_, kupo?! 

A moogle stumbled/flew towards them, dropping at about halfway there. 

Moguo: Damn it! My pom-pom's petrified!!!

Kuja: …(Jerks)…

Zidane: Kuja?

Kuja: …He-he…

Vivi: C'mon, let it out! 

Kuja: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ^-^

Moguo: Hey! You need my help, kupo! You won't be able to go on without me! I control your fates, ku- (Gets nailed with a staff) … X_X

Other: (Look to Vivi)

Vivi: (Innocent-looking) What? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Steiner: Okay then… We're going back to Alexandria, Princess!

Garnet: …No. No we're not.

Steiner: WHAT? O_O!!! But we must! Her Majesty must be so worried!

Far away, in Alexandria…

Beatrix: Your Majesty, aren't you worried about your daughter?

Brahne: Kind of. ^-^

Beatrix: KIND OF?! She's your daughter, and future ruler of the people of Alexandria!

Zorn: So, that means we definitely need to get her back, or else the people of Alexandria are doomed to have no future queen?

Thorn: Else are the future of Alexandria people doomed to have no queen or so, means that get her back definitely we need to…?

All: ………

Zorn: …Thorn?

Thorn: Yes?

Zorn: Never speak again.

Thorn: ^-^;

Brahne: So… Anybody want to hold a kegger?

Beatrix: ME!

All: O_O!

Beatrix: What? I like to drink! ^-^ 

Zorn: I am for it!

Thorn: For it am I!

Brahne: It's official! Kegger in the castle!

All: Kickass! ^-^ (Celebrating)

Back at the exit of Death Forest….

Blank: …I doubt it seriously, Princess. ^-^

Zidane: Besides, do you _really_ think you can make it alone?

Steiner: Yes, I do! 

Garnet: (Angry) Steiner!

Steiner: Princess, we can make it to Alexandria, and I can defend you by means of my knightly sword! ^-^

Kuja: Gods… That almost sounds like something Vivi would say…

Vivi: No, I would sound like… Princess, we can make it to Alexandria, and I can defend you by means of my knightly sword! ^-^

Zidane: …

Blank: …

Garnet: …

Kuja: …

S.S. Prozac: …

Moguo: …

Vivi: … (Kawaii music plays)

All: Oh! ^-^

Blank: Anyway, Steiner, we've got to bring Garnet with us! She wanted to be snatched in the first place!

Garnet: That's right!

Steiner: I refuse to believe it. The scoundrels are forcing you to say such.

Zidane: No we're not!

Steiner: Liar! 

Blank: No we're not!

Steiner: Ruffian!  
  


Zidane: No we're not!

Steiner: Fool!

Blank: No we're not!

Steiner: Monkey!

Zidane: No we're not!

Steiner: Larcenist!

Blank: No we're not!

Steiner: Scoundrel!

Zidane: No we're not!

Steiner: Then what _are_ you?! 

Zidane and Blank: …Here to annoy you! 

Steiner: ARGHHHHHHH!!

Zidane and Blank: ^-^;

Garnet: (Sweatdrop)

Kuja: Sigh…

Vivi: @_@

S.S. Prozac: KWEH!

Kurone: (IM) -_-;

Steiner: X_X

Kuja: …Well, I think we just went through all our replies… What the hell were you all going to do in the first place? 

Zidane: Well, we _could_ possibly form a temporary alliance for the sake of Garnet so we travel through the Ice Cavern in hopes of getting to civilization and let me end up fighting a Black Waltz along the way that ends up opening a plot development in hopes of moving the story along, so this would show that somebody's after us and introduces some sort of a villain, _which in turn_ allows the reader/player to experience a spectacular fight scene AND allows for a historic renaming of Garnet to Dagger, therefore making the journey through the Ice Cavern an important turning point for Garnet in the fic? ^-^

All: …

Vivi: No more book for you! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Zidane: DAMN!

The Genome reluctantly handed back the book of glowing and complicated runes over to Vivi.

Garnet: (Ignoring this) So, it's settled. We're going to the Ice Cavern, and (Turns to Vivi and Kuja) you guys are joining us?

Kuja held up the map of Naeri. 

Kuja: Well, if what I see on this map is true, the direction you're going is the same direction as Naeri, as the Ice Cavern is the second landmark leading to it. Luckily for me, no one's ever gotten through Death Forest, so I should be okay…

Vivi: Actually, YOU'RE NOT! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: WHAT? 

Vivi: Ya see… No one before us has ever gotten _through_ the forest…

All: (Nodding) Uh-huh…

Vivi: But instead, heeded the sign and went around.

Kuja: But that takes longer.

Vivi: No it doesn't. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) Getting through the forest would take nearly all day. Going around takes five minutes. 

All: …

Kuja: …You mean… THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN AVOIDED?!?!?!?!?!?!

Blank: Apparently so.

Kuja: (To Vivi) DAMN YOU! YOU… **YOU…**

Vivi: …Blasted mage child? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: YOU SHALL DIE! (Charges after Vivi)

Vivi: S.S. PROZAC, AWAYYYYYYY! (Jumps on the Fang)

S.S. Prozac: K-KWEH!!!! (Flees)

Steiner: Sigh… 

Zidane: Well, we better go after them! ^-^ 

Blank: Okay! ^-^

Garnet: …

Will the group find the Ice Cavern? Will Moguo ever get his pom-pom unpetrified? Will Queen Brahne and the others survive the hangover from the party? Will Kuja catch Vivi? ^-^

Vivi: He-he! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: (IM) Damn, damn, damn, damn….

Moguo: (Cursing away)

Master of the Forest: X_X

Steiner: I never thought I'd say this, but Master Vivi's gone insane…

Zidane: WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ^-^

Blank: WOO-HOO! ^-^ 

Brahne, Zorn Thorn and Beatrix: (Singing) Forty-four bottles of beer… Take one down, pass it around…

Garnet: (Muttering) I am _so_ screwed…

As before, did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted. 

Cow: Moo. ^-^ 

See ya! ^-^


	3. 3... The Ice Cavern - Part 1 - Lesson of...

A/N: ARGH! After _all_ this time, I completely ignored one _very_ important fact. Athena, my first reviewer, was never once mentioned or thanked! So, a big THANKEE-SAI to Athena for reviewing! One never forgets the first review, and I apologize for not doing so earlier. Also, the non-existent pom-pom pillow threat cheered me up… ^-^  

Disclaimer: As always… I don't own FF9 or it's chars… I DO own Kurone though! ^-^ (Celebrates)

Now, on with the fic! 

We last left our heroes on a journey to the Ice Cavern! After barely escaping the dangers of Evil… er… Death Forest, they meet up with our _other_ heroes (and heroine) of Final Fantasy Nine! I wonder what'll happen today? ^-^

Flashback 

The light that allowed the Master of the Forest to live was now cut, turning the majestic Venus flytrap into stone. Luckily, he dropped poor Kuja before he got petrified… ^-^

Voice: This isn't natural! It's like the whole forest is coming after us!

Zidane, Steiner (carrying Garnet), and Blank ran into the scene.

Zidane: It looks like we're safe here.

Steiner: I hope so; we need to find Master Vivi!

Kuja: Sigh... Why do I get the odd feeling that Blank wasn't supposed to make it out of the forest?

Blank: He-he…^-^;

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I GOT A FREE CHOCOBO!!!! I'M NAMING IT AFTER MY FRIEND BOB!

Fang: KWEH!

All: …O_O…

Moguo: Damn it! My pom-pom's petrified!!!

Steiner: Okay then… We're going back to Alexandria, Princess!

Garnet: …No. No we're not.

Steiner: WHAT? O_O!!! But we must! Her Majesty must be so worried!

Brahne: It's official! Kegger in the castle!

Zorn, Thorn, and Beatrix: Kickass! ^-^ (Celebrating)

Garnet: So, it's settled. We're going to the Ice Cavern, and (Turns to Vivi and Kuja) you guys are joining us?

Garnet: (Muttering) I am _so_ screwed…

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Kuja: (Tired) Damn… I _hate _Fangs… 

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Kurone: (IM) Agh… I wasn't meant for high speeds… @_@

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOO! WE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Welcome to the Ice Cavern! 

Kuja: Where are all these _signs_ coming from?! 

Garnet: It seems beautiful!

Steiner: We might as well enter.

Zidane: Sounds good! ^-^

The group entered the Ice Cavern, knowing all the dangers and risks of the cold wasteland. They would face the dropping temperature and biting winds, they would face the hideous beasts within, and they would fight to the bitter end! But the Cavern had much in store for our heroes (and heroine). Travelers and warriors from the past have come here, and none have ever come back out! What could have stopped them so? What unstoppable force sealed their fates?

Blank: I'M FREEZING!!!

Zidane: (Shivering as well) It's c-c-cold!

Vivi: I'LL HELP! FIRE!

The spell reached Zidane… And he was promptly incinerated. ^-^

Zidane: AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ITAI!!!!!! O_O!!!!!!!

Kuja: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ^-^

Others: -_O

POOF!

Cave Imp: (Staring at Zidane) The hell? 

Zidane: DON'T JUST **STAND** THERE! HELP ME!!!!!! 

The Cave Imp sweatdropped and nodded nervously, hopping from one foot to the next. Almost immediately, he was blown up by freakishly powerful looking spell.

Kuja: (Glaring at all) Help him and you die. 

Others: (Sweatdrop) …

After a long, long hour of watching Zidane burn, Kuja finally gave Zidane a break… And then continued to laugh at his misfortune.  

Vivi: …You're finding this funny as hell, aren't you?

Kuja: I may be in the current state of and still be in great danger, but anything's worth to see Zidane catching fire. ^-^

Zidane finally was able to stop the magical flames. He looked like a pile of blackened cinders in the snow backdrop…

Zidane: -_- (Twitch)

Steiner: The scoundrel deserved it anyway… Excellent work, Master Vivi! But, uh, tell me… How did that Cave Imp just appear…?

Vivi: 'Sa random encounter! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Steiner and Garnet: Eh?

Blank: Dude, where've you been? We'll show you! 

Immediately, a blue light with the words ATE appears.

Kuja: O_O!

Teach Me, Blank and Vivi! – Part 1 

(Qu's Marsh music plays) 

Moogle (Argh, forgot his name!): What're you going to teach me today, bro?

Mogster is dressed as a small gladiator. 

Mogster: I-I'm not too sure myself, kupo… 

Vivi (riding the S.S. Prozac) and Blank walk in the scene. Garnet, Zidane, Steiner, and Kuja follow.

Kuja: …Is that moogle dressed like a gladiator?

Vivi: Yes… We're entitled to use moogles for educational purposes, but anytime they have the possibility of injury/death, they must first sign a waiver. 

Garnet: How does the gladiator outfit fit with that?

Blank: It makes the whole experience cuter. ^-^

Mogster: K-kupo?! (To Vivi) But you said that I was signing a confirmation for a lifetime supply of Kupo Nuts!

Zidane: Gullible little bastard, aren't you? ^-^

Vivi: Actually, you _get_ the Kupo Nuts. They're your salary. You're some of the comic relief. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Mogster: Comic relief, kupo…? O_O;

Blank: (Ignoring this) Anyway, today, you are going to learn about one of the most important things of RPG… The Random Encounter!

Vivi: One of the first things you learn about RPG is that you must face random encounters. These involve evil monsters you continually must fight to the death by means of the (Kawaii fanfare) RPG battle system! 

Blank: First of all, one must encounter said monster!

POOF!

An Armodullahan rolled in. The Final Fantasy battle music began to play.

Armodullahan: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!

Mogster: (Eyes widening) …KUPOPO!!!!!!!! O_O!!!!

Garnet, Zidane, and Steiner: (Sweatdrop) …

Mogster frantically tried to flee, but all he seemed to be doing was running in place with his back turned to the monster.

Vivi: Silly moogle! A regular flee won't help you! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) The probability of it is less than zero!

Blank: Now, we have taken the liberty of getting the stats for you!

Armodullahan                                                                           LV: 30                                                                                      

HP: 720/720                                                                              

MP: 4620/4620                                                                         

Mogster LV: 1 

HP: 20/20

MP: 3/3

Steiner: Um, isn't Mogster at an obvious disadvantage?

Zidane: Yeah, it's not really fair…

S.S. Prozac, Vivi and Blank: (Glare) NONSENSE! (KWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!)

Others: …eep…

Vivi: Now, one must _attack_ the monster with an attack.

A glowing blue menu appeared. The words "Attack" flared brightly as the S.S. Prozac pressed a floating X. Responding to the selection, Mogster flew forward and tried to ram the Armodullahan. Instead, the monster sidestepped, and Mogster was teleported back to his starting position.

Blank: Uh-oh! It seems that the Armodullahan has evaded Mogster's attack! ^-^

Mogster: I'll just attack again! (Doesn't move) H-hey!

Vivi: (Laughs) Silly moogle! You have to wait your turn! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Mogster: WAIT? But this is a fight to the _death_! (Glare)

Vivi: The Armodullahan waited _his_ turn… Now you have to wait! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: (Sweatdrop) This is insane…

Blank: This is RPG! ^-^ Now, Mr. Armodullahan?

Armodullahan: ROOOOOOOOAR! 

And he cast Death on Mogster. As always, when the enemy casts Death on you, you automatically _die_, no questions asked. (But never the other way around! Damn!)

Mogster: X_X

The Armodullahan roared in victory.

Kurone: (IM) That was… Interesting…

Vivi: Now, let's get another scenario.

Choco: KWEH!

And everyone's favorite FF9 Chocobo, besides Bobby Corwin, dramatically ran onto the scene, dressed in gladiator outfit. Immediately, the Final Fantasy music came to a halt, and the Gladiator music began to play.

Vivi: Blank? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Blank: Our stats! ^-^

Armodullahan                                                                            

LV: 30                                                                            

HP: 720/720                                                                    

MP: 4260/4260                                                                

Choco 

LV: 80

HP: 18,945/18,945

MP: 7964/7964

S.S. Prozac: K-KWEEEEEH!

Choco: (Battle Cry) KWEKWEEEEEEEEH!!!!!

S.S. Prozac: …o_o… 

All: …

Blank: Sic 'em, Choco! ^-^

The menu popped up again, and this time the words "Seiken" flared. S.S. Prozac selected it and chose the attack "Stock Break." The Chocobo flashed an evil grin (well, the Chocobo equivalent) and glowed a bright blue.

Zidane: Kickass special effects! 

Vivi: I know. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Steiner: Eh? Why does this seem oddly familiar? 

Zidane: Every time I know a Stock Break is taking place, why do I associate it with pain…?

Meanwhile, in Alexandria…

Brahne: Woo… Man, what a party… 

Zorn: We need to do it again.

Thorn: No money to do it though…

Beatrix: (Twitch) Whoa! 

The others turned.

Beatrix: It happens whenever someone uses a Seiken attack like Stock Break for the sheer purpose of taunting the enemy to show how kickass and cool one is, therefore leading to multiple confrontations with the heroes continuously losing AND ultimately leading to rebellion from the evil monarchy only to join the heroes and lose most of their strength in the process. Hey… That's not such a bad idea! ^-^

Brahne: What the hell are you talking about?

Beatrix: Anyway, what about money for another party? ^-^

Zorn: You could raise taxes!

Thorn: Raise taxes you could!

Brahne: Good idea! But, I have the strange feeling that we have heroes coming to successfully foil my plans… The kegger will have to wait! Send out Black Waltz One!

POOF!

The Black Waltz collapsed in front of the queen with a yelp.

BW One: (Thump) ITAI! O_O!!!! 

Brahne: GO! Inhabit the Ice Cavern, confront a genome, and DIE! ^-^

BW One: WHAT?!

Brahne: Zorn, Thorn!

Zorn: Yes?

Thorn: Yes?

Both: My queen?

Brahne: Go… Uh, do something sneaky and evil, yet become comic relief and annoying ass characters that people love anyway!

Both: (Sweatdrop) …Right…

Brahne: Beatrix! 

Beatrix: Hmm?

Brahne: Become _yet another_ annoying ass character that continues to beat the heroes until I finally show how evil I am! Then, go join them and become pathetically weak! All of you have your instructions, go!

All: Right!

Back in Qu's Marsh…

Vivi: @_@ That was brutal…

Garnet: You can say _that_ again…

Vivi: @_@ That was brutal…

Choco: Kweh! 

Armodullahan: X_X

Mogster: X_X

Moogle: X_X

S.S. Prozac: X_X

Blank: And Choco wins! 

Choco: ^-^

The Final Fantasy victory music played, and the Chocobo was showered in Gil/Cards/Potions/Ores/Phoenix Downs. The Chocobo collected it all and walked away.

Vivi: So, let's review. If you lose, you make the player frustrated and the game ends, ultimately sealing the fates of the people you were trying to save. But if you win, you get prizes, a short victory song, and a frustrated villain who sends out something stronger! 

Steiner: That's not very good…

Kuja: That's a lose-lose situation!

Vivi: Well life can really suck sometimes, can't it? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Zidane: (Ignoring this) So, now what are we doing?

Blank: Well, back to the cavern of course! ^-^

Everything faded to black, and they were back in the Ice Cavern.

Garnet: (Shivering) I prefer the Marsh now…

Steiner: Don't we all?

S.S. Prozac: Kweh… 

They continued walking until they reached a giant block of ice. 

Garnet: O_O!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Blank: WHAT? (Stares at Garnet) What is it?

Garnet: There's a… Moogle in the ice…

Steiner: (Stare) You-You're right!

Zidane: Is that cool or what? ^-^

All: (Glare)

Zidane: Oh… Yes, then… Uh, Vivi, shouldn't you defrost the moogle for us?

Kuja: Yes, I don't see how you could possibly mess _that_ up…

Vivi: FIRE!

As the moogle became free, our group soon found out that the Fire spell was a bit too much…

Monty: (On fire) I'M ON FIRE!!!! (Glares at them all) You bastards!

All: O_O!

Vivi: Grr… 

Kurone: (IM) Grr…

And, for the second time, Kurone came through! ^-^

Zidane and Blank: O_O! …Eep… 

Kuja: …Eh? 

Steiner and Garnet: …

Vivi: (IM) You can DO it! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Kurone: _No_ moogle calls _me_ a bastard…! 

And with Kurone's kickass double scythe moves, he promptly attacked the moogle. No damage was actually done, but Monty had the living shit scared out of him. The Black Waltz held a scythe blade close to the moogle's… pom-pom? ^-^ 

Kurone: Now, let's rephrase our last statement…

Monty: K-kupo… You saved me! Thanks, kupo! ^-^;

Kurone: Good… (Swallows Prozac)

Vivi: I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Kuja: Damn!

Monty: So, kupo… Will you rest here?

Garnet: We could use the rest. 

Almost immediately, a tent appeared…

All: ZZZZZZZZZ…

…And left suspiciously fast.

All: (Refreshed sounding) Ah…

Kuja: Did anyone else feel that was rather quick?

Steiner: Yes, it felt, sadly enough, like a transition to a picture of a tent with calm music, computerized filling of HP/MP, and back to our regular adventure…

Garnet: Computer? HP? MP? …What?

Steiner: Er… Never mind. ^-^

Blank: It's time to move on.

Zidane: Wait, wait a sec… Vivi? Didn't you just go from kawaii mage to badass waltz and scare the living shit out of Monty?

Vivi: (Innocent-looking) Huh? What're you talking about? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Monty: (Scared) K-kupo… Why don't you all do face the evil Black Waltz now?

Kuja: How the hell do _you_ know about the Black Waltzes? Are you plotting our deaths or something?!

Monty: KUPO! O_O! Of course not!

Steiner: Really?

Monty: Yes.

Blank: I believe him. Let's go! ^-^

Our heroes (and heroine) walk off to face the Black Waltz. Immediately, the Black Waltz appeared. 

BW One: So, you have my monster?

Monty: (Evil grin) Ah yes, Sealion is ready at last… He will surely grant you victory over those pathetic heroes.

BW One: Excellent…

Monty: Torment the _moogles_, eh? We'll see… We'll see… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

BW One: (Sweatdrop) …

Vivi: (Walking back) Hey, Monty-?

Monty: HAHAHAHAHA- …Eep…

BW One: This, uh, isn't what it seems.

Vivi: I seriously doubt that. I know you're lying. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) Anyway, we all are kind of lost… So, which way is it to your lair again?

BW One: Uh… Turn right at the last fork in the path…

Vivi: Great. THANKEE-SAI!!!!!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

The mage walked off. 

Monty: …Yes well… -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sealion: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!

BW One: Right… Come, Sealion.

Sealion: ROG! ^-^

Will our heroes (and heroine) make it to the lair? Will Black Waltz No. One and Sealion defeat them? Will they escape? And what the _hell_ is wrong with these moogles? 

BW One: Hey-ho… Let's go!

Sealion: ROOOOOOOOOG! ^-^

Vivi: Was that moogle laughing evilly? …

Garnet: Sigh…

S.S. Prozac: KWWWWWWWEH! 

Monty: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Ah, never mind… -_O

Come on, you know the drill… Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.

Cow: Moo. ^-^

See ya! ^-^


	4. 4... The Ice Cavern - Part 2 - Black Wal...

A/N: Um, I need to make a correction… Um, the evil moogle known as Monty should actually be Mois… And the small moogle with Mogster is Moggy…  Sorry for the mistake, I'll get it fixed up right away… ^-^

Disclaimer: I don't own FF9; I never have and never will. You're all are cruel for making me say that, now I have to kidnap Vivi from Squaresoft… Oh wait, that's kinda cool in its own way… Anyway, I _do_ own Fiji, 'cause he's my muse, my Cow (Another muse, duh), and Kurone, our kickass Black Waltz you tend to hear from every now and then. Give 'em a round of applause, 'cause they're all stuck in this 'fic and need the encouragement… ^-^

Now, on with the fic!

We last left our heroes in the Ice Cavern! Duh… If you read the last chapter you would've _known_ that…

Flashback 

Welcome to the Ice Cavern!

Steiner: The scoundrel deserved it anyway… Excellent work, Master Vivi! But, uh, tell me… How did that Cave Imp just appear…?

Moggy: What're you going to teach me today, bro?

Mogster is dressed as a small gladiator. 

Mogster: I-I'm not too sure myself, kupo…

Armodullahan: ROOOOOOOOAR!

Mogster: X_X

Choco: (Battle Cry) KWEKWEEEEEEEEH!!!!!

Brahne: Send out Black Waltz One! GO! Inhabit the Ice Cavern, confront a genome, and DIE! ^-^

Brahne: Zorn, Thorn! Go… Uh, do something sneaky and evil, yet become comic relief and annoying ass characters that people love anyway!

Brahne: Beatrix! Become _yet another_ annoying ass character that continues to beat the heroes until I finally show how evil I am! Then, go join them and become pathetically weak! After that, I'll have enough money to have another kegger!

Garnet: There's a… Moogle in the ice…

Mois: (On fire) I'M ON FIRE!!!! (Glares at them all) You bastards!

Kurone: _No_ moogle calls _me_ a bastard…!

Mois: (Scared) K-kupo… Why don't you all do face the evil Black Waltz now?

Kuja: How the hell do _you_ know about the Black Waltzes? Are you plotting our deaths or something?!

Mois: (Evil grin) Ah yes, Sealion is ready at last… He will surely grant you victory over those pathetic heroes.

BW One: Excellent…

Mois: Torment the _moogles_, eh? We'll see… We'll see… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

BW One: Hey-ho… Let's go.

Sealion: ROOOOOOOOOG! ^-^

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Zidane: Did I m-mention its c-c-c-cold?

Garnet: Unless you want Vivi setting you on fire again, I doubt you should say anything.

Kuja: (Glares at Garnet)

Zidane: (Sweatdrop) Good idea… Eh, where is he anyway?

Steiner: Master Vivi said something about going to a court hearing… 

Far, far away in a courtroom…

Vivi: (Glare) What? Of _course_ he signed the waiver! His signature's right _there_!

Mogster: He said it was a lifetime supply of Kupo nuts… 

Vivi: I didn't lie! The Kupo nuts were his salary if he could survive the Armodullahan battle. He signed the damn waiver, your Honor!

Judge Garland: (Sweatdrop) So you're telling me that this moogle is suing you because he signed a waiver, stating the possibility of injury/death during a battle with an Armodullahan. 

Vivi: Yeah.

Judge Garland: And where is the Armodullahan?

Vivi: Choco killed it! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) 

Judge Garland: And this Choco, where does this man live?

Vivi: He's a Chocobo, your Honor.

Judge Garland: He's a what…?

Kurone: (IM) Sigh… (Sarcastic) Nice going, mage. Now Choco's going to beat the police force, we're going to end up being associated with a major felon, then we'll be in court again _and_ we'll be locked up with that crazy authoress I keep hearing about…

KawaiiKat: (Typing in jail) He-he… You know I had to do it sometime. Self-insertion kicks ass. ^-^

Cow: Moo. (Angelic music plays) 

Fiji: (To KawaiiKat) I hate you and that stupid cow… How the hell did _we_ end up being arrested?

KawaiiKat: Um long story? ^-^;

Vivi: Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do…

Kurone: (IM) …Turn ourselves in and end the reign of a hyperactive menace to society? 

Vivi: No… WE'RE GONNA FLEE FROM COURT AND BECOME MAJOR FELONS! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Judge Garland: (Sternly) Mr. Orunitia!

Kurone: (IM) DAMMIT VIVI!!!!!!!

Vivi: (Swallowing Prozac) Quiet Kurone! I have a plan! 

Far, far back at the Ice Cavern…

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! 

Blank: Hey, aren't we in the Black Waltz's lair?

Steiner: Yes, but I see no Black Waltz. Vivi may have led us the wrong way.

Zidane: No way! He said that he spoke to Black Waltz No. One himself!

All: (BIG sweatdrop) …

Suddenly, from the chilling darkness of the Cavern a great evil followed our party. With a malicious glint in his eyes he remained in the shadows that cloaked his body, hauntingly beautiful wings looming over him, increasing the aura of evil he seemed to have gathered around him. The winds, the winds roared furiously at the dark intruder, and the ice became that much colder… But it meant nothing to him, for he only had his purpose in mind, a simple yet so horrific task… He was created to destroy those who dare defy the queen…

And from behind, a hideous beast of great proportions stood, still as death. Gleaming tusks were camouflaged with the icicles formed simply by his exhaling; he was a true creature of the ice. 

Their minds were set on their only purpose, for no one would reach the light of day after they entered the lair… And from the darkness, from the Cavern… A soft, yet dangerous voice rose from the depths of the walls, a voice filled with terrible power, a voice so full of hatred and malice…

Black Waltz No. One (BW1): I can't believe I'm dying so the Queen can have another kegger party…

Sealion: ROG! ^-^

BW1: Then again, I can't believe I missed out… Damn!

Blank: Am I the _only_ one who can hear what everyone's saying?! 

Kuja: …Anyway, I think Vivi's fine. Let's go destroy the Black Waltz or whatever…

Immediately, Steiner and Garnet fell over unconscious.

Blank: The hell?!

S.S. Prozac: Kweh?

Kuja: Stupid Fang…

Zidane: Now, this doesn't help at all… How're we going to get Rusty and the Princess out of the Cavern? The guy must weigh a ton! But I wouldn't mind carrying Garnet… ^-^

Kuja: I think we need to find Vivi after all… There's a Fire spell out there somewhere with your name on it.

A bell jingled in the distance. Slowly, it grew closer to their location, until Black Waltz No. One appeared. 

BW1: Oh! (Stares at S.S. Prozac) What a cute Chocobo! ^-^ (Many bells jingle) 

Kuja: Oh, for the love of-! It's a FANG! -_O

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Blank: Okay then… You're the Black Waltz, right?

BW1: Yeah! Which one of you is the genome known as Zidane?

Zidane: That would be me! 

BW1: Great… SEALION! KILL!

Suddenly, a giant thunderbolt slammed down in front of the Sealion.

Sealion: ROG!

And out of the bright opening that led out of the cavern stood a familiar figure. After jumping forward, it was seen to don a familiar blue jacket and steeple hat…

Zidane: Hey, it's-

Kuja: A COW?!

But this was no ordinary cow… This was a best, coolest, most powerful, grandest, honored, greatest, magnificent, good enough to be copyrighted Cow™!

Cow: Moo. ^-^ (Angelic music plays)

Blank: (Sweatdrop) Why not, everything else has happened…

BW1: What the…?

And the Cow hovered to our friend the Black Waltz… And promptly beat the shit out of him.

BW1: X_X

Kuja, Blank and S.S. Prozac: …

Zidane: Damn.

And as dramatically as she came, the Cow took Black Waltz No. One and Sealion, flying out of the cavern, far, far, away in the distance! And something came flying straight back…

Vivi: WOOOOO! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) THIS IS SO KEWL!

Kurone: (IM) I can't believe he actually got away with stealing that airship…

Vivi: (Looking at the Ice Cavern) Uh-oh… FIRE IN THE HULL! HIT THE DECK AND BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Kurone: (IM) AIYEEEEEE!

Garnet: Ugh… What happened?

Steiner: Are you all right, Princess?

Garnet: Okay, we need to do something about my name…

Kuja: We talk later. Let's just leave this place, before something _else_ happens…

Blank: (BIG sweatdrop) Too late for that I'm afraid…

And immediately, the airship crashed into the Ice Cavern, utterly destroying it. 

Zidane: Oh shit.

And as the ice came tumbling down upon our heroes (and heroine) all went black…

…

…

…

What a depressing cliffhanger! What will happen to our poor heroes (and heroine) now? What about the other Black Waltzes, and the moogles? Will the police ever find Vivi/Kurone and Choco? And what about Black Waltz No. One and Sealion? 

KawaiiKat: Black Waltzes rock. ^-^ (Hugs BW1)

BW1: HELP ME!

Sealion: ROG! (Jumps up and down)

Cow: Moo. ^-^ (Angelic music plays)

Fiji: Why me? -_-

Argh, I know it was shorter. But I've been busy with other things! That's about all you get to hear, so NYAH. ^_~

As before, did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.

Fiji: No, discourage her… This way I'll stop suffering and- ACK! X_X

Cow: Moo. ^-^ (Angelic music plays)

See ya! ^-^


	5. 5... There Are Just Some People You Shou...

A/N: I died and came back. Excuse said and done. Shoot the muse and get a prize. He deserves it for leaving me in the dust, but don't worry, I still love him anyway! 

Disclaimer: I don't own FF9. (Calmly kicks disclaimer)

Now, on with the fic!

We last left our heroes in the Ice Cavern, and it doesn't seem so pleasant for them at all…

Flashback 

Steiner: Master Vivi said something about going to a court hearing…

Judge Garland: (Sweatdrop) So you're telling me that this moogle is suing you because he signed a waiver, stating the possibility of injury/death during a battle with an Armodullahan.

Vivi: WE'RE GONNA FLEE FROM COURT AND BECOME MAJOR FELONS! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Black Waltz No. One (BW1): I can't believe I'm dying so the Queen can have another kegger party…

Zidane: Now, this doesn't help at all… How're we going to get Rusty and the Princess out of the Cavern? The guy must weigh a ton! But I wouldn't mind carrying Garnet… ^-^

Kuja: A COW?!

Cow: Moo. ^-^ (Angelic music plays)

And as dramatically as she came, the Cow took Black Waltz No. One and Sealion, flying out of the cavern, far, far, away in the distance! And something came flying straight back…

Vivi: (Looking at the Ice Cavern) Uh-oh… FIRE IN THE HULL! HIT THE DECK AND BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Kurone: (IM) AIYEEEEEE!

And as the ice came tumbling down upon our heroes (and heroine) all went black…

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Kuja: Huh? Where the hell am I?

Ah, and good reason to say such! For Kuja was no longer buried underneath tons of snow and ice, but floating in a hallway!

Godly Voice: Kuja…

Kuja: O_O…

Godly Voice: Though you have done great evils in Final Fantasy Nine, I have seen you have suffered the wrath of that mage child for the past while… You have proven yourself, and I pity you, so you now have the opportunity to live in happiness in my realm…

Kuja: …No Vivi?

Godly Voice: No Vivi. Just come to the light…

Kuja: ALL RIGHT! ^-^ (Charges for the light)

Meanwhile, back in the Ice Cavern…

Blank: (Coughing up snow) Oy, this is not my day… Everyone alive?

Zidane: I'm alive! ^-^ (Dances merrily)

Garnet: (Sweatdrops at Zidane) You know, I'm starting to wonder why I left the castle in the first place…

Steiner: (Half buried) PRINCESS!!! Are you hurt? Princess? PRINCESS!

Garnet: Oh, right… Reason number five through seventeen… (Glares at Steiner)

Blank: Uh-oh.

All: Huh?

Vivi, Kuja, and S.S. Prozac remained unmoving in the snow…

Blank: I can't get a pulse from either of them, and they're not breathing!

Zidane: (Looking down sadly) You know what this means.

Garnet: No more Prozac using, kawaii music playing, staff wielding, black mage?

Steiner: Three of the more popular characters no longer exist?

Zidane: Hell no! Title change! The Grand Adventures of Zidane and Garnet!

Garnet: (Bashes Zidane into the ground) How can you be so _insensitive_ when three of our party members are dead?! 

Vivi: Kuja…

As our black mage slowly got up, everybody notices that there's something different about him… 

Blank: Are his eyes supposed to be glowing red like that?

Zidane: Only when he's turning into Kurone… That means he's _really_ pissed!

Vivi: Kuja's going to another realm… For the sake of the plot, I cannot let this happen! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

And as Vivi finished his heroic (but short) speech, he dramatically transformed into Kurone and disappeared from view! 

Steiner: Shouldn't we go after Master Vivi?

Garnet: Would _you_ want to get in Kurone's way?

Steiner: …Does anybody play Tetra Master around here? 

Zidane: Ooh! Me!

And back in the hallway…

Kuja: Jeez, the light takes forever to get to…

Godly Voice: Just keep running. You're almost there…

Kurone: KUJA!

Kuja: Oh no… NO! (Runs faster)

Kurone: You forget… I'm more powerful than Vivi. (Casts Stop Spell)

Kuja: (Twitch) Can't… Move…

Godly Voice: Blasted mage child… YOU WILL DIE!

And the warm, inviting white light Kuja originally was heading for turned blood red. Without a second thought, Kurone dashed bravely through the light with his double scythe… And got thrown back out in record time. 

Kurone: Grr… (Begins to flare with energy)

Kuja: (Breaks out of his Stop Spell)

Once again, the black mage (turned Waltz) goes under transformation! Dark energy surrounds him in the form of a sphere (think Demi spell) and a deep resonating voice comes from deep in its core…

Kurone: BEHOLD THE POWER OF TRUE DARKNESS!

Kuja: (Steps back) Oh shit…

The dark sphere transformed into a black twister, and two glowing red eyes blazed as the energy dissipated. The form that used to be an innocent black mage was now this! Now he was a being so powerful that all who saw him would bow! Kurone was now a… A…

Kuja: …A longhaired prettyboy. -_-; (Bashes head against wall)

Yes, Kurone had indeed transformed from black mage to black waltz to badass bishounen! He stood determined as a convenient wind blew his long black hair and silver feathered wings in a regal fashion. He extended his (glowing) double scythe and frowned darkly.

Kurone: (Eyes glowing red) Ask not for whom the bell tolls… For it tolls for you!

And Kurone dramatically rushed into the light, leaving a trail of energy behind him!

Kuja: (Walks away from the light) If you can't get to a realm of eternal happiness, you might as well go for the realm of eternal wealth. Better get back and start heading for Naeri. (Jumps through portal)

Meanwhile, in S.S. Prozac's dreams…

S.S. Prozac: (Thrown back and forth through space) Kweh…

The Fang lands on a planet, where he walks along until he's right side up again. Before him is a pair of stairs, Two Chocobos of varying colors on each side, and one extremely huge Chocobo resting on the other end of the stairway. 

Fat Chocobo: You are one step closer to your homela- (Double takes) WHAT THE HELL?!

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Fat Chocobo: Look, furry one… I don't know who you are, or how you got here, but I can't give you an upgrade if you're not a Chocobo!

S.S. Prozac: (Angry) KWEH KWEEEH!

Fat Chocobo: I don't care if you near killed yourself to get here!

S.S. Prozac: (Closes his eyes and chants a spell)

Summon – Feathery Vengeance

{Summon FMV)

Dramatic music plays. Chocobo feathers and Gyshal Greens swarm everywhere as Gladiator Choco appears in a burst of blue energy. He gives his trademark grin (or Chocobo equivalent) and raises his wings as all the feathers turn into Stock Breaks and Shocks. All feathers bombard Fat Chocobo.

{End Summon FMV}

Fat Chocobo: X_X

Chocobos on Either Side of the Stairs: (Swim, run, or fly off)

Choco: (Bestows the gift of the Gold Chocobo upon S.S. Prozac and flies off laughing)

S.S. Prozac is still a brown Fang, but he has a golden aura around him.

S.S. Prozac: KWEEEEEEEH! ^-^ (Dances merrily) 

Suddenly, Kuja appeared beside him. 

Kuja: (Glances at Fat Chocobo, then at S.S. Prozac) I'm not even gonna ask what the hell happened here. (Jumps through the portal again)

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! (Follows)

Moments later, a triumphant bishounen flies down with a grin. He sweatdrops hugely at Fat Chocobo.

Kurone: Uh, Vivi? 

Vivi: (IM) S.S Prozac was probably here! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: Ah… (Follows Kuja and S.S. Prozac)

And back at the Ice Cavern…

Zidane and Steiner are calmly playing Tetra Master upon the wreckage of the airship, while Garnet and Blank built a snowman that took a frightening resemblance to Black Waltz Three…

Blank: Well, that was pointless. (Tries to shove over the Snow Waltz)

Garnet: (Bashes Blank) This is a symbol of kickass cool. It is not to be destroyed. 

Blank: You're being extremely out of character, Princess.

Garnet glanced over to Zidane, who was laughing his ass off as Steiner fell down a pit of loose snow.

Garnet: Still wondering why I'm prone to acts of violence?

Blank: Question answered.

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! 

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOOOO! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: Blasted mage child…

Zidane: (Stops laughing for a second) Hey! Vivi, Kuja, and S.S. Prozac are back from wherever! ^-^

Kuja: Wha? Why the hell are you still here?

Blank: (Destroys the Snow Waltz) Like the quest would continue without you.

Garnet: HEY! Grr…

In a rare moment of fury, Garnet rushed over and grabbed Zidane's dagger out of its sheath. She then chased a terrified Blank around until he tripped over the recovering Steiner, sending them both plummeting down the pit.

Blank: AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Thump) …pain… Hey, there's a pathway down here!

Garnet glanced at the dagger in her hand.

Garnet: You know… I need a new name. Zidane, what is this exactly? (Holds up dagger)

Zidane: (Scratches head) Beats me.

Garnet: -_O… (Flings the blade at Zidane, narrowly missing his tail) 

Zidane: O_O… (Hugs his tail)

S.S. Prozac caught the dagger between his teeth and proudly presented it to Vivi. 

Vivi: HEE! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) GOOD CHOCOBO!

Kuja: -_-;

Vivi: I'd name her after my friend Bob!

Garnet: As much as I need a new name, I'd rather turn into an Oglop before I'd be named Bob or S.S. Prozac.

Vivi: (Laughs) No silly! More along the lines of "Dagger!"

Kuja: Somebody pinch me. Did Vivi just say something sensible? 

Garnet: He got Dagger from Bob. How's that sensible.

Kuja: (Nods) Point made. -_-;

Vivi: Vivi said something out of the Book of Glowing and Complicated Runes! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: … (Jumps down the hole where Steiner and Blank fell) 

Vivi: Come to me my loyal steed! 

S.S. Prozac: Kweh!

Vivi hopped on S.S. Prozac and they burrowed down to where Steiner, Kuja, and Blank went.

Zidane: (Charming grin) Well, it's just you and me now, Garnet.

Garnet: Zidane?

Zidane: Yes? (Grins wider)

Garnet: The name's Dagger! (Bashes Zidane and jumps down the hole)

Zidane: Ah, she's playing hard-to-get! Wait for me!!! (Follows her)

Where will our heroes (and heroine) end up now? Will Steiner kick Zidane's ass for making him fall in the first place? Are Vivi and Kurone safe from the police? Is S.S. Prozac actually a Summoner? And is anyone safe from Dagger's random acts of violence?

Blank: (Gets bashed) What did I do NOW?

Garnet: Oops. ^-^

Vivi: Good Chocobo… (Hugs S.S. Prozac)

S.S. Prozac: (Hugs Vivi)

Zidane: Kinds reminds me of what Dagger's future is with me.

Kuja and Steiner: (Bashes Zidane)

Black Waltz Three: (Looks angrily at the demolished snow statue) Who the hell did this?!

You know the drill! Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.

Cow: Moo. ^-^

See ya! ^-^


	6. 6... We're On Our Way to Treno!

A/N: Thank you all who reviewed so far! I'm sure I can find Grand Adventure character plushies for you all! ^-^

Disclaimer: I don't own FF9. (Fights hard not to kill disclaimer.)

Now, on with the 'fic! 

We last left our heroes down a pit! Oh, how charming!

Flashback 

Godly Voice: Though you have done great evils in Final Fantasy Nine, I have seen you have suffered the wrath of that mage child for the past while… You have proven yourself, and I pity you, so you now have the opportunity to live in happiness in my realm…

Kuja: ALL RIGHT! ^-^ (Charges for the light)

Vivi, Kuja, and S.S. Prozac remained unmoving in the snow…

Vivi: Kuja's going to another realm… For the sake of the plot, I cannot let this happen! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: (Eyes glowing red) Ask not for whom the bell tolls… For it tolls for you!

Choco: (Bestows the gift of the Gold Chocobo upon S.S. Prozac and flies off laughing)

Blank: AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Thump) …pain… Hey, there's a pathway down here!

Garnet: You know… I need a new name. Zidane, what is this exactly? (Holds up dagger)

Garnet: The name's Dagger! (Bashes Zidane and jumps down the hole)

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Blank: All right, this is getting kinda creepy… Is everyone still here?

Dagger: I'm still here…

Steiner: As am I…

Kuja: By some strange coincidence, this is the hidden pathway that will put me one step closer to the treasures of Naeri. Before we get ourselves into a misadventure that can be avoided, is there another way out of this?

Vivi: Well, there's a fork up ahead! One way is extremely safe with atmospheric music, wall-to-wall carpeting, mood lighting, all-you-can-eat-buffets and aromatherapy candles. The other tunnel leads to hellish minions of darkness that slowly and painfully devour your souls as you stupidly fall into their traps by means of your limited mortal intellect!

All: O_O;

Dagger: So which pathway leads to the aromatherapy candles and such?

Vivi: I have no idea! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: (In mind) I do. And it would be wise to take the safe path as quickly as possible. There's something evil near…

Vivi: (Out loud) Of course something evil is near, Kurone! It just took Zidane!

Blank: WHAT?!

Steiner: That has to be the best news I've heard all day! ^-^

Dagger: (Glare)

Steiner: What?

The Genome _had_ vanished into thin air! It also seemed to be getting darker as the party approached a fork in the pathway. What evils lie in wait; ready to kill our unsuspecting heroes?

Kuja: Better yet, where the hell _are_ we?

**WELCOME TO THE PATHWAY TO TRENO**

FEAR THIS PATHWAY  
AND THE BEINGS WITHIN

BEWARE OF THE TRUE INHABITANTS  
OF TRENO

ALL WARNING SIGNS SUPPLIED BY

THE SOUL DONATION FUNDRAISER

HELP A BEING OF EVIL AND  
DONATE YOUR SOUL TODAY!

Blank: There is a good side to all this. Now we know where the signs come from. 

Kuja: (Kicks over the sign) Shut up before I kill you. -_-;

Vivi: Hmm… Wonder if Zidane went somewhere with shiny things? 

The mage hopped on S.S. Prozac and rode off to the left tunnel. As they traveled by, the Fang uncovered a pathway of skulls, though both Vivi and S.S. Prozac remained oblivious!

Dagger: We've got to rescue Zidane from certain death. Of all the people to stupidly fall into traps, Zidane has got be the most at risk here. 

Kuja and Steiner: Do we _have _to? 

Blank: Uh-huh. Because Vivi and S.S. Prozac gone too.

Steiner: MASTER VIVI!!!

Dagger: Sorry Kuja. The majority of us want to rescue Zidane, Vivi… And S.S. Prozac.

Kuja: C'mon, three idiots' lives to a safe passageway towards eternal wealth? Think of the greater good here! I'm sure Zidane, Vivi, the Fang would all be happy if we found the treasure. Then they can be at rest and know that they helped us along the way!

Blank: Think of it this way. If Vivi dies, the S.S. Prozac becomes depressed and dies too. Both their deaths will piss off Choco. Would _you_ want a psycho Chocobo with Seiken attacks at his disposal after your blood?

Kuja paused to remember what happened to Fat Chocobo. He muttered a curse and trudged into the left tunnel. Everyone followed his lead.

Meanwhile, where Zidane, Vivi, and the S.S. Prozac were…

Zidane: Gah, where am I?

Evil Person: Silence, mortal! (Bashes Zidane)

Zidane: People keep doing that to me… X_X

Vivi: (Riding the S.S. Prozac) Nothing shiny here…

S.S. Prozac: Kweh…

Kurone: (IM) Vivi, focus on getting Zidane back… I have a feeling he's in trouble.

Vivi: This is boring… I'M GONNA HUM SOMETHING TO PASS THE TIME! (Hums the "Kawaii Music Intro and Theme Song")

Kurone: (IM) DAMMIT! You just gave us away!

Vivi: (Humming) Sing with me, S.S. Prozac! ^-^ (Kawaii song is heard in the background)

S.S. Prozac: (Hums along) ^-^

Evil Person Two: What the hell? (Stares at Vivi) Intruder! Capture him! 

The cheerful music abruptly stopped… And hordes of bats rushed for the mage and Fang! 

S.S. Prozac: (Stops humming) Kweh?

Vivi: (Stops as well) I don't know what it is, they're too dark colored for me to see! (Casts a Fire Spell) 

Bats: SKREEEE! (Flees) 

Evil Person Two: (Hisses) The light! The light! He is a light bringer! Attack him! Attack!!!

Kurone: (IM) RUN VIVI!!!

Vivi: CHASE SCENE! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

S.S. Prozac raced forward and through the escaping cloud of bats, and gained on the Evil Person with Zidane.

Evil Person: Eh? (Turns to Vivi)

Vivi: WOOOOOO! (Nails Evil Person with staff) I GOT ONE! 

Evil Person: X_X

Zidane: X_X

Evil Person Three: You shall not escape! SLEEP! 

S.S. Prozac skidded to a stop, and both of our heroes fell over asleep! And back where our unsuspecting party is…

Dagger: Where could they have gone?

Steiner: That Zidane causing all this trouble… Master Vivi has such a kind heart, never leaving one behind!

Kuja: Yeah, but following one's heart can lead to extremely stupid misadventures that are better off not experienced… Hint, hint, wink, wink.

Dagger: -_-; (Bashes Kuja)

Blank: Hey, there's someone up ahead!

Evil Person Four: Oh no! I'm so alone! (Sobs)

Kuja: What the hell's wrong with you?

Evil Person Four: Evil Person One, Two and Three left me behind to capture some mage kid, a Fang, and a guy with a tail! 

Kuja: (Flatly) How totally unsuspected. Why exactly do you capture people?

Evil Person Four smiled cheerily at them, revealing a pair of fangs. 

All: O_O;

Evil Person Four: 'Cause we're vampires, and um… That's kinda how we get food to eat! ^-^

Blank: So, when do you… Eat?

Evil Person Four: I'm missing the feast right now!

Dagger: (Bashes Evil Person Four)

Evil Person Four: X_X

Steiner: We must make haste! Master Vivi's life is at stake!

Blank: Don't forget Zidane!

Dagger: And the S.S. Prozac!

Kuja: (Bashes head against wall) If it wasn't for Choco… I'd be at that all-you-can-eat-buffet! People; let's just get the three of them out of here so we can continue this quest!

Blank: Aye-aye! ^-^

And with nothing else to say, the party continues!

Evil Person Three: Stay in there! (Points towards cell) 

Vivi and S.S. Prozac: … (Obeys)

Zidane: Hey Vivi! S.S. Prozac! ^-^

Vivi: (Waking up) …Wha? HI ZIDANE!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

S.S. Prozac: Kweh… Kweh!

Zidane: At least there's somebody here. You seen Dagger anywhere?

Vivi: She's part of the second party that's foolishly risking their lives for us!

Zidane: She loves me. That's why she's risking her life! We were destined to be together! ^-^

Vivi: And they say _I'm_ insane… -_-;

Kurone: (IM) Even Vivi has his limits…

Zidane: And I'm making a fashion statement! Take a look! (Points to his neck)

There were two slits where Zidane pointed, and they looked remarkably like puncture marks.

Vivi: Ooh! Very nice! You're going for the "Soon-to-be Vampire" look? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Zidane: I already got fangs, and I've been craving for blood ever since! Weird, huh?

Kurone: (IM) Help…

S.S. Prozac: (Sweatdrops) Kweh! 

Vivi: Hee! I wanna be a vampire too! 

Zidane: (Imagines a vampiric Vivi attacking civilians) I… Don't think that should ever be attempted. I believe that's what people call a Sign of the Coming Apocalypse.

Vivi: People say _I'm_ a Sign of the Apocalypse, so I suppose it wouldn't do me any good to be two of 'em! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

There was a long silence.

Zidane: I'm kinda hungry… Anyone up for a blood donation? ^-^ 

Kurone: (IM) If he makes one move I'm taking over the body, Vivi.

Vivi: (Swallows some Prozac, oblivious to Zidane) Whatever you say, Kurone!

And once again, we return to the main party!

Kuja: Well… (Looks through cell windows) Here's the cell! Anyone got a clue how to open it?

Blank: (Pulls out a lock pick) Yeah! ^-^ (Easily picks the lock)

The first thing they saw when they entered was S.S. Prozac standing protectively in front of Vivi. He was keeping a rather pissed off Zidane at bay.

S.S. Prozac: Kweh! KWEKWEHH! (Hiss)

Vivi: X_X

Kurone: (IM) How do I take over the damn body again?!

Zidane: (Baring fangs) C'mon, like he's gonna feel anything! I didn't knock him out for laughs!

Kuja: Zidane! What the hell are you doing?!

Zidane turned to the group and grinned evilly before dashing towards them at full speed. 

Steiner: (Slams door) That's just wrong. 

Dagger: We came too late! Zidane's a vampire!

Kuja: Thanks for stating the obvious, Dagger. I know not what we would do without you.

Dagger: (Bashes Kuja) 

Kuja: ITAI! (Holds head) Dammit, that hurts!

There were repeated thumps on the inside of the cell, and the door began to buckle…

Blank: Uh-oh. O_O;

…And was knocked down easily with Zidane's new strength.

Zidane: (Eyes glowing red) Join me… (Leaps for Dagger)

Dagger: Steiner, defend the Princess. (Runs like hell)

Steiner: Now _wait_ a minute! (Runs after her)

Blank: Go for Kuja! (Flees)

All of them fled now, but Kuja tripped. ^-^

Kuja: …Did I mention that vampires are the coolest? 

Zidane ignored him and charged, only to get nailed with a staff.

Zidane: (Stumbles around dizzily) X_X

Vivi: GOT ANOTHER ONE!  ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: Good shot. (Runs away)

Evil Person One: Our prisoners have escaped! 

Immediately, an army of vampires went to attack Vivi and S.S. Prozac.

Vivi: You said you had some new moves, S.S. Prozac?

S.S. Prozac: (Grins)

Vivi: You can DO it! (Steps back) 

S.S. Prozac: (Performs Choco Summon)

And because Choco was such good friends with S.S. Prozac and Vivi, he did a full summon! Vivi put Zidane on the Fang, hopped on S.S. Prozac, and they all traveled away from the ensuing chaos.

Kurone: (IM) This can't be healthy…

Zidane: Ugh… Hey, I'm not a vampire anymore!

Kurone: (IM) All those Seiken attacks must have destroyed the curse Zidane had upon him in some odd way.

Vivi: Does it _really_ matter in the end? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: (IM) Apparently not if it moves the story along. Just smile and nod, I suppose…

Zidane: Works for me! ^-^

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Finally, the party was back together!

Kuja: (Looking at Vivi and S.S. Prozac) Let us rejoice.

Steiner: (Looking at Zidane) Yay.

Dagger: (Bashes Kuja, Steiner, and Zidane)

All Three: GAH!

Blank: Hey look! It's Choco!

Choco grinned at them and pointed (with a wing) back the way with the vampire army.

Choco: Kweh kwe-kweh kweh kweeeeh!

Vivi: Choco says that he blasted the vampire army into oblivion, and left a hole for us to go through and continue our extremely messed up and weird-ass journey! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

Kuja: Enough with the feel-good moments! Can we _please_ just get going before gargoyles or whatever pop out at us?!

Dagger: Paranoid, aren't we? 

Kuja: How can you _not_ be paranoid when this blasted mage child and his pet Fang are in the party?

Vivi: Quiet Kuja. We have to be optimistic or else we'll face certain death all depressed like! WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO NAERI! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

All except Kuja: YEAH! ^-^

Kuja: Remind me to kill you all…

What awaits our heroes (and heroine) as they exit the pathway? How long will it take before Dagger kills Zidane? Would a vampire Vivi _ever_ be attempted?

Blank: Hey look! We just reached Dali!

Dagger: How did we reach Dali if we traveled the Pathway to Treno?

Vivi: …Semi-success! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: (IM) Never a dull moment in this party.

Zidane: I kinda liked being a vampire…

Kuja: If you value your life, never, _ever_ say that again.

Steiner: I'm supposed to get the Princess back to Alexandria Dammit…

Time for the routine ending! Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.

Cow: Moo. ^-^

See ya! ^-^


End file.
